Addiction keeps a soul in an egocentric mentality.  An addict has only one thing higher than self…our drug/food/person-‘fill in the blank’ of choice.   Then comes self, making use of said “higher good”, of course.  And next, everyone and everything else in varying degrees for each individual.  But numero uno will always be the drug. 

 

I’m just going to use drug because that’s what I relate to.  I was trying to explain it to a friend how as soon as I wake up there’s this little voice in my head, “Why don’t you smoke?  Let’s smoke!  Pack a bowl, come on!  Let’s go!” 

 

I know, Pot isn’t really addictive and why I’ve been recently struggling to quit has been beyond me.   I’ve quit smoking pot probably 10, 20, shit, I have no idea honestly how many times.  I’ve done it numerous times.  Same with cigarettes but I think I’m finally done with those. 

 

I got to thinking that our body is just a shell for our soul.  Some of the shells out there are awesome, some suck, most are somewhere in between.  I think I got pretty lucky with my shell and I’ve made a conscious effort to improve the infinite imperfections I have, one by one. 

 

But to really get the most of my shell, smoking cigarettes didn’t make sense.  So I struggle and cough when I try to run and play?  Gross.  And I stink?  Grosser.  And if I could see what was being done to the inside of me from cigarettes? 

 

Well, logically it just didn’t make sense to me to continue cigarettes.  To be honest, when I drink, I will smoke occasionally.  But I drink like 5 times a year.  I’m “allergic” to booze.  I’m fine.  I’m fine.  I’m fine.  Then wham!  Buck wild B comes out and shortly after the blackout does as well. 

 

I have to be a few drinks back for smoking a “square” not to be gross to me.  Used to be by the time I was slurping the bottom of drink one, I needed a smoke. 

 

Look at that word…“needed”.  That’s addiction.  Need something that really is not good for you.  Does not truly benefit you and in fact, is doing harm to you.  We need air.  We need water.  We need…a cigarette?    

 

8 years ago I quit cocaine.  8 fucking years ago.  I can’t believe it’s been that long.  3 years ago I did it 3 times.  3^rd time saw some of that ugly behavior coke brings out of people early in the morning and decided I didn’t want to run around with that drama again.  Been there.  Done that.  Never again. 

 

So now, I’ve been just smoking pot.  The doc said I was smoking because the meds were off.  Now I’m supposed to be “properly” medicated but I still reach for the pot.  I have been a huge, huge lover of marijuana for…well, 19 years.  That’s insane for me to write that because it sure as hell doesn’t seem like a fifth of a century.  Let me take a puff and contemplate this…

.

.

.

Well, it is what is.  I feel like some strains make me sluggish.  Some by the end of the day, I’m so zonked I just want to stare at the TV, or worse, pass out and sleep for some long ass time.  I’ve been sleeping more lately.  C’est la vie.  What goes up must come down. 

 

I have every intention of continuing to be a part of Blogville, I just fear as the darkness comes back, I’ll be cloaked with the heavy force.  The tiring force.  Those not blessed with bipolar or have never truly experienced depression can’t truly empathize. 

 

Where your body feels 900 lbs.  It aches all over.  Everything is a struggle.  You’re so exhausted…from walking across the room.  You just woke up from a 10 hour sleep and you could sleep for another 10 hours. 

 

I haven’t been there in a while.  Kudos to the meds, and I think it’s important to do, I’ma give myself some kudos too.  I’ve worked hard over the past…well, 8 years about.    

 

Self betterment is not an overnight fix.  It’s a path.  And it’s not a specific trodden way…many routes lead to the same destination.  No two paths can ever be the same, for each has it’s own unique detours and scenic routes.  But though our travels may differ, we all quest for the same thing.  Our true highest good…pure, blissful energy, pulsing as we’ve evolved to a cosmicentric point of view. 

 

And at that level…there’s no room for egocentric people.  Through evolution, they can not exist anymore in this new world order.   Addictions must be burnt down like a raging forest fire leaving only smoldery ashes.  And from that charred earth, we will grow so strong and so healthy, brimming with life force and infinite possibilities. 

 

Go Be Dapper Blogvillians. 

 

-B.Wright