Chiggidity Check Yourself

February 10, 2013 by My Experiments with Sanity

Fire is Natures Reboot. What’s Yours?

One of the best things I ever did for myself was admit I had addiction problems and accept that I have bipolar disorder. I’m by no ways saying this is easy to do, just that it was immensely helpful. Reality had always been something I avoided at all costs…including my soul, at times.

Honestly, it seems everyone is ducking out of reality these days. TV is a serious reality avoider. Plus, your even watching non-reality since science has proven that when you observe something, that thing changes. It becomes aware of the observer and changes it’s behavior. Be it a dog or a crazy Jersey lady or an amoeba, they all change.

So I’d imagine the same things happens with our issues. When we look at them, they, by law, will change. See? We can already put a dent in whatever we’re avoiding just by looking at it.

Admitting I had issues needing to be dealt with enabled me to take a huge leap forward. Cause when you admit it, can’t deny it anymore and you now have to take action. Or I guess you don’t. We always have the option to continue on the bumpy road we have chosen for ourselves.

What? I didn’t choose this shit hole of a life, you may say. Wellllll, I think you did. I was seeing a hypnotherapist for a little while. You may have realized by now, my fellow Blogvillians, I’ll try anything to grow better. During one of the sessions we went into my past lives. See, in a Polarity treatment(again, another modality for healing) I realized I had intense grief issues.

So we went back in time to figure it out. I lost a husband, Paul, and I felt guilt over not warning him of the impending danger. I held a little ceremony in the hills of New Mexico and honored him. He never blamed me, he said. Wow. Way off track. I whizzed thru another uneventful lonely life of my past. And then my most recent one.

The life before this one I’m in, I was a mess. Actually OD’d. So when I was born, I carried that energy over. I was born in pain with colic and poorly designed inner ears, leading to what used to plague me my entire life, ear infections. Not to mention drug addictions and bipolar disorder. And so I carried that last life forward for most of my life.

But then I saw a little glimmer of hope, somewhere…maybe in some child’s eye. We control our destiny. We determine our fate. And so I set sail for the land of Dapperdom. I paddled thru the seas with ease. Used to always have storms, but these days, these days heading to Dapperdom…boat doesn’t rock too much anymore.

So be real, what are you avoiding? Change it right now by confronting it. Tackle it! Take it down! Or perhaps…just admit.

Be Dapper Blogvillians.

-B. Wright

Escape Egocentrism for the Blissful Land of Cosmocentrism…Today.

January 19, 2013 by My Experiments with Sanity

Addiction keeps a soul in an egocentric mentality. An addict has only one thing higher than self…our drug/food/person-‘fill in the blank’ of choice. Then comes self, making use of said “higher good”, of course. And next, everyone and everything else in varying degrees for each individual. But numero uno will always be the drug.

I’m just going to use drug because that’s what I relate to. I was trying to explain it to a friend how as soon as I wake up there’s this little voice in my head, “Why don’t you smoke? Let’s smoke! Pack a bowl, come on! Let’s go!”

I know, Pot isn’t really addictive and why I’ve been recently struggling to quit has been beyond me. I’ve quit smoking pot probably 10, 20, shit, I have no idea honestly how many times. I’ve done it numerous times. Same with cigarettes but I think I’m finally done with those.

I got to thinking that our body is just a shell for our soul. Some of the shells out there are awesome, some suck, most are somewhere in between. I think I got pretty lucky with my shell and I’ve made a conscious effort to improve the infinite imperfections I have, one by one.

But to really get the most of my shell, smoking cigarettes didn’t make sense. So I struggle and cough when I try to run and play? Gross. And I stink? Grosser. And if I could see what was being done to the inside of me from cigarettes?

Well, logically it just didn’t make sense to me to continue cigarettes. To be honest, when I drink, I will smoke occasionally. But I drink like 5 times a year. I’m “allergic” to booze. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Then wham! Buck wild B comes out and shortly after the blackout does as well.

I have to be a few drinks back for smoking a “square” not to be gross to me. Used to be by the time I was slurping the bottom of drink one, I needed a smoke.

Look at that word…“needed”. That’s addiction. Need something that really is not good for you. Does not truly benefit you and in fact, is doing harm to you. We need air. We need water. We need…a cigarette?

8 years ago I quit cocaine. 8 fucking years ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long. 3 years ago I did it 3 times. 3^rd time saw some of that ugly behavior coke brings out of people early in the morning and decided I didn’t want to run around with that drama again. Been there. Done that. Never again.

So now, I’ve been just smoking pot. The doc said I was smoking because the meds were off. Now I’m supposed to be “properly” medicated but I still reach for the pot. I have been a huge, huge lover of marijuana for…well, 19 years. That’s insane for me to write that because it sure as hell doesn’t seem like a fifth of a century. Let me take a puff and contemplate this…

Well, it is what is. I feel like some strains make me sluggish. Some by the end of the day, I’m so zonked I just want to stare at the TV, or worse, pass out and sleep for some long ass time. I’ve been sleeping more lately. C’est la vie. What goes up must come down.

I have every intention of continuing to be a part of Blogville, I just fear as the darkness comes back, I’ll be cloaked with the heavy force. The tiring force. Those not blessed with bipolar or have never truly experienced depression can’t truly empathize.

Where your body feels 900 lbs. It aches all over. Everything is a struggle. You’re so exhausted…from walking across the room. You just woke up from a 10 hour sleep and you could sleep for another 10 hours.

I haven’t been there in a while. Kudos to the meds, and I think it’s important to do, I’ma give myself some kudos too. I’ve worked hard over the past…well, 8 years about.

Self betterment is not an overnight fix. It’s a path. And it’s not a specific trodden way…many routes lead to the same destination. No two paths can ever be the same, for each has it’s own unique detours and scenic routes. But though our travels may differ, we all quest for the same thing. Our true highest good…pure, blissful energy, pulsing as we’ve evolved to a cosmicentric point of view.

And at that level…there’s no room for egocentric people. Through evolution, they can not exist anymore in this new world order. Addictions must be burnt down like a raging forest fire leaving only smoldery ashes. And from that charred earth, we will grow so strong and so healthy, brimming with life force and infinite possibilities.

Go Be Dapper Blogvillians.

-B.Wright

Lockdown has been Instituted on my Wallet

January 6, 2013 by My Experiments with Sanity

I’ve run out of pot. That doesn’t actually mean I’m not still smoking. Who knew you can get a hit from the other orifices of a bowl? I never thought about it, and it’s what I’ll do today. Then crawl around and look for some scrapplings. Then scrape some and smoke that. How else do you stop smoking? And then. And then it’s the tell tale time. Do I call the dealer? Or do I go and meditate? Go create art? Go and do something dapper?

I’ve also instituted a spending lockdown. I fired one crazy client and unexpectedly lost another client in the same month. Then the holidays came, I didn’t pursue work so aggressively. I got a new client recently, he called me! How cool is that that people call you to work for them? Sorry, that may be the norm to you but I’m used to being a useless dust speck, contributing nada to the world. I should be able to send out some invoices in a couple weeks.

But for now? I’m on lockdown. Spending lockdown. I want some cereal, but I’m being too lazy to bake my granola. Now I’m Ms. Fancy Pants, baking and shit! Well, I guess I would be if I actually did make it, and not just push around the carton of oats I left out as a reminder.

Now I feel accountable, to Blogville, to you guys. Honestly, I’m not really held accountable too much. I live alone with my dog, I work from home mostly, I have clients, not bosses. My family is thousands of miles away, for a reason. It’s hard working the dapper program alone. And that’s why I’m so grateful to be a card carrying member of Blogville. Seriously. Check my wallet. Proud resident Blogvillian, I yam!

I pledge a spending lockdown in honor of being Dapper and being the best I can, owing nothing to Mr. Visa and Mrs. Mastercard, and having paid off the ridiculously expensive piece of paper framed in the office. Lockdown. For 30 days. I’ll have to confess here if I broke down and bought a coffee or any other gaping hole I have in my budget.

Who’s down? We could lockdown together! Who doesn’t need a lockdown post holidays? I’ll start today, even though I haven’t bought anything over the past 4 days. So till 2/3/13. I think that’s 30 days.

I’m already tired of this leftover mashed potato hash thing I made. I may or may not have eaten it for the past couple days. I kind of don’t have much by way of groceries, since I knew I was leaving for 8 days and now I’ve been home a few days. But there’s still food. I share this because I may break down and buy some food. Point being food, not the grocery store. The way I shop, my buggy always looks like I feed an army at home. Such great intentions. And then I just push the healthy stuff around to get to my whipped cream cheese frosting and it all gets gross and moldy.

Such a waste, I know. I’m working on it. I am. So if you’re down to lockdown with me, comment below. We can rally each other on and cheer loudly when you were able to step out of line for that coffee and get back going wherever your going.

I do this every couple months, after a spending spree. I reevaluate the damage I did, return what I can return, accept what I can’t. Then lay out the numbers on the dry erase and start chugging away. I call it the Abundance Paradigm, not the get out of debt paradigm. Abundance. Have to think Abundance.

Happy Lockdown! Mazel Tov! Lock, Lock, lock…lockdown is ON…

B. Wright