Chiggidity Check Yourself

February 10, 2013 by My Experiments with Sanity

Fire is Natures Reboot. What’s Yours?

One of the best things I ever did for myself was admit I had addiction problems and accept that I have bipolar disorder. I’m by no ways saying this is easy to do, just that it was immensely helpful. Reality had always been something I avoided at all costs…including my soul, at times.

Honestly, it seems everyone is ducking out of reality these days. TV is a serious reality avoider. Plus, your even watching non-reality since science has proven that when you observe something, that thing changes. It becomes aware of the observer and changes it’s behavior. Be it a dog or a crazy Jersey lady or an amoeba, they all change.

So I’d imagine the same things happens with our issues. When we look at them, they, by law, will change. See? We can already put a dent in whatever we’re avoiding just by looking at it.

Admitting I had issues needing to be dealt with enabled me to take a huge leap forward. Cause when you admit it, can’t deny it anymore and you now have to take action. Or I guess you don’t. We always have the option to continue on the bumpy road we have chosen for ourselves.

What? I didn’t choose this shit hole of a life, you may say. Wellllll, I think you did. I was seeing a hypnotherapist for a little while. You may have realized by now, my fellow Blogvillians, I’ll try anything to grow better. During one of the sessions we went into my past lives. See, in a Polarity treatment(again, another modality for healing) I realized I had intense grief issues.

So we went back in time to figure it out. I lost a husband, Paul, and I felt guilt over not warning him of the impending danger. I held a little ceremony in the hills of New Mexico and honored him. He never blamed me, he said. Wow. Way off track. I whizzed thru another uneventful lonely life of my past. And then my most recent one.

The life before this one I’m in, I was a mess. Actually OD’d. So when I was born, I carried that energy over. I was born in pain with colic and poorly designed inner ears, leading to what used to plague me my entire life, ear infections. Not to mention drug addictions and bipolar disorder. And so I carried that last life forward for most of my life.

But then I saw a little glimmer of hope, somewhere…maybe in some child’s eye. We control our destiny. We determine our fate. And so I set sail for the land of Dapperdom. I paddled thru the seas with ease. Used to always have storms, but these days, these days heading to Dapperdom…boat doesn’t rock too much anymore.

So be real, what are you avoiding? Change it right now by confronting it. Tackle it! Take it down! Or perhaps…just admit.

Be Dapper Blogvillians.

-B. Wright

Best Year Ever…BYE!!

January 3, 2013 by My Experiments with Sanity

It’s 2013. We’re here. And we’re stronger than ever. This is gonna be the Best Year Ever; B.Y.E.! Happy BYE! I just want to send a big loud shout out to the entire blog community for being exactly who you are. I feel like I found a crew, a sailing crew, to sail the seas of what we call normal. Not normal for most people, but normal for us. Choppy fucking water and hungry sharks lurking around kind of set up. But you know what? I realized it’s all in how you see it.

The number one hands down thing I have worked on, and will continue to work on, is my mindset. What are the Gerbils doing? Are they calm, chilaxin, and coming up with genius? Good, let ‘em be. Are they all in a tizzy, yanking on their hair and running into each other? Let’s reevaluate what I’m thinking and learn how to reframe it. That’s the ticket. Observe and reframe if necessary. Change the show the Gerbils are putting on to one of joy, bliss and abundance. Peace within to spread peace infinitely.

Back in 2009, I was at an all time low. Homeless, flat broke, my sternum severely bruised, (I heard a pop and then couldn’t breathe. Worst part? It hurt to laugh.). Here I am, 29 years old, living in my mother’s basement. I felt awful and got into a real dark place. But out of that dark shit I was able to make the Dapper Program.

At the time, I wanted to go be a peace soldier. A real one. Not what people call Peace Soldiers today. Peace and fighting don’t go together. Peace Soldiers walk around with certain kinds of people who are being harassed or terrorized by other kinds of people. The effect of having an outsider watching makes the harassers refrain. I loved it and I so wanted to do it.

But then I started looking at the requirements, reading the literature. My heart sank. You had to be at peace within to be able to serve. At peace with myself? After the volcano I let erupt all over my life in Jackson Hole and send me crawling home to Mommy? No debate here; I was far from at peace with myself.

So I set about finding peace within. And now after 4 years, I am so stoked at how far I’ve come. Not to say that I’m finished. Dapperdom is a state one lives in practicing until the last dying breath. Always walking the path to being the best you ever. Always knowing that change and growth go hand in hand.

My struggles began long before 2009 and I have been searching for the middle way for a long time. It has been an amazing ride and I am so grateful for the shit I got drug through. Yeah, I stunk, but once I washed it off, it’s got some magic exfoliator in it or something, cause damn if I didn’t glow brighter.

So mindset. It’s all about your mindset. Pay attention to your Gerbils, or whatever the hell you call those guys doing their thing up there. Make them put on the show you want to see. Peace. Bliss. Joy. Abundance.

Something else I learned is that you have to have something greater than yourself. I learned that when quitting cocaine. White guy with a beard just feels so limiting to me. I see it as a big giant energy force, vibrating around and pulsing with life. I like to think about that giant web, blowing ever so slightly back and forth in a dark, dark, night. Stretching out infinitely into that dark space. Connected ever so delicately yet so fundamentally the same already. The same like how at the end of the day every single thing we see, real or not, is part of us. And we are part of…it all!

A study was done on cells and the people they came from. When the people were shown good things, the cells reacted in a positive way…even outside of the body over 300 miles away. The same if they saw something negative, the cells reacted into a negative state. Take charge of all those cells running around in you and make the show positive. Love. Happiness.

Lean back into life knowing that there is a force out there greater than us alone. It’s us together. And the power of us together is infinitely magical. If you struggle, let’s walk together. Over the years I’ve become so much stronger. I’m freaking diesel now so lean on me and the rest of those who have walked the path you’ve found yourself upon. We’ve seen the thorns and thickets. And now we can only see the roses. Join us, because it’s going to be BYE!!

Happy BYE!

Eternally Yours,

B. Wright

Always Wear Your Seatbelt!

December 8, 2012 by My Experiments with Sanity

I used to sleep insane hours. Compared to most people, I still do. My defense is being bipolar, we take in sooooo much more of the world than the average Joe. I have had to train myself to block taking negative energy from other people. If I see someone crying, I’m suddenly overcome voraciously with grief and…crying as well. But the blessing of it is that when I feel joy, damn that’s some good joy. And you can tune in to happy, joyous people as well. Happiness, euphoria, it’s all emotions right? I’ve been reading that tuning in to what you’re feeling is a good way to see what your mind is thinking. Do I feel bad? Change something if you do. Do I feel great? Awesome, let’s do more of this.

In the past few years, I think I may have become Pollyanna Positive. I’m always looking for the silver lining, the blessing in disguise. Cause you know it’s there. It’s always there. When you look back on some shitty times when some shitty things were happening in your life often you see that that shit made some damn fine manure. It made something change so that now you had some good times when good things were happening. A flower grew right up out that shit, huh? All right Polly, I’ll knock it off…

As usual, when I write these, I get way off track. And for that I do apologize. I really wanted to talk about sleep. So now, when I sleep sans alarm, don’t hate, as I pretty much always do, I sleep 9 hours. But only about 2 months ago, I’d sleep 11, 12 hours in one laying and take a nap as well. And I’m not talking a 20-minute power nap. Usually 1 to 2 hour nap. It’s easy to look back and realize how depressed I was. To me, my life was better in my dreams.

But now I don’t even take naps anymore. I’ve kind of always taken naps over the years. Sometimes I’d sleep less. Sometimes more. It’s the fun sleepy train of bipolar. But this not napping thing, it’s got me kind of hmmm…excited! Oh, I’ve laid down a handful of times over the past 2 months. But to no avail. I’d be tired from looking at the computer screen for too long and think a nap would refresh me. Yet I was like a little school kid just pretending to sleep but way too excited to sleep. And then I give in, get up, and go organize the Tupperware drawer.

I’ve been smoking pot because it turns out my docs actually don’t have the meds just right. I’ve got a new drug I’m supposed to start taking. Well, I was supposed to start 2 weeks ago. But I figured I’d run through the last of the pot first and then go to my pot in a pill formation. I’m almost out so it’s almost time.

I’ve quit before. I’m a professional quitter, actually. And I’ve known for a long time that this love affair has gone on long enough. Mary Jane doesn’t love me as much as I’ve loved her. It’s been a one-way street for some time now. It’s time for me to cut my ties. Say my goodbyes. It’s been a fun time. We’ll always have the memories, right sweetie?

Although, as I just reread what I wrote up there, it’s easy to ascertain I’m a little manic now. But who doesn’t love that? Oh right, the people around me. The dog doesn’t either since she just follows me around from one room to the next. Dog can’t get a good solid nap in that way. But I love it!! I know, I know, what goes up must come down. I said this in another blog that I’ve been excited but have this seatbelt feeling from my meds. Oh right, my seatbelt is broken. Damn it. Time to fix the damn seatbelt.