I used to sleep insane hours. Compared to most people, I still do. My defense is being bipolar, we take in sooooo much more of the world than the average Joe. I have had to train myself to block taking negative energy from other people. If I see someone crying, I’m suddenly overcome voraciously with grief and…crying as well. But the blessing of it is that when I feel joy, damn that’s some good joy. And you can tune in to happy, joyous people as well. Happiness, euphoria, it’s all emotions right? I’ve been reading that tuning in to what you’re feeling is a good way to see what your mind is thinking. Do I feel bad? Change something if you do. Do I feel great? Awesome, let’s do more of this.
In the past few years, I think I may have become Pollyanna Positive. I’m always looking for the silver lining, the blessing in disguise. Cause you know it’s there. It’s always there. When you look back on some shitty times when some shitty things were happening in your life often you see that that shit made some damn fine manure. It made something change so that now you had some good times when good things were happening. A flower grew right up out that shit, huh? All right Polly, I’ll knock it off…
As usual, when I write these, I get way off track. And for that I do apologize. I really wanted to talk about sleep. So now, when I sleep sans alarm, don’t hate, as I pretty much always do, I sleep 9 hours. But only about 2 months ago, I’d sleep 11, 12 hours in one laying and take a nap as well. And I’m not talking a 20-minute power nap. Usually 1 to 2 hour nap. It’s easy to look back and realize how depressed I was. To me, my life was better in my dreams.
But now I don’t even take naps anymore. I’ve kind of always taken naps over the years. Sometimes I’d sleep less. Sometimes more. It’s the fun sleepy train of bipolar. But this not napping thing, it’s got me kind of hmmm…excited! Oh, I’ve laid down a handful of times over the past 2 months. But to no avail. I’d be tired from looking at the computer screen for too long and think a nap would refresh me. Yet I was like a little school kid just pretending to sleep but way too excited to sleep. And then I give in, get up, and go organize the Tupperware drawer.
I’ve been smoking pot because it turns out my docs actually don’t have the meds just right. I’ve got a new drug I’m supposed to start taking. Well, I was supposed to start 2 weeks ago. But I figured I’d run through the last of the pot first and then go to my pot in a pill formation. I’m almost out so it’s almost time.
I’ve quit before. I’m a professional quitter, actually. And I’ve known for a long time that this love affair has gone on long enough. Mary Jane doesn’t love me as much as I’ve loved her. It’s been a one-way street for some time now. It’s time for me to cut my ties. Say my goodbyes. It’s been a fun time. We’ll always have the memories, right sweetie?
Although, as I just reread what I wrote up there, it’s easy to ascertain I’m a little manic now. But who doesn’t love that? Oh right, the people around me. The dog doesn’t either since she just follows me around from one room to the next. Dog can’t get a good solid nap in that way. But I love it!! I know, I know, what goes up must come down. I said this in another blog that I’ve been excited but have this seatbelt feeling from my meds. Oh right, my seatbelt is broken. Damn it. Time to fix the damn seatbelt.