A Myriad of Means to an Ever Elusive End


Over the years of dealing with bipolar disorder, I’ve explored a lot of alternative methodologies.  The first, and most often utilized by my peers, is drugs.  And not the ones the doctors prescribe.  Some staggering stat of almost half of the people battling addiction also deal with a mental disorder.  And of those with a mental disorder, about 20% have a drug addiction they struggle with.

Pretty early on I knew I needed to avoid drugs and alcohol, but knowing and doing are very different.  Today it’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked pot.  I guess my doc had my meds a little off and I’ve been self-medicating to help “pump my brakes”. Self-medication is tricky.  It’s hard to get consistency in something illegal and often coming from third world countries.  And it’s all so easy for an addict to overdue the dosage.

Leaving street drugs to our jaded youth, I began a quest for more sustainable self-medication.  I know it’s probably a pipe dream but one day I’d like to only swallow my multi vitamin and no other pills.   So I began my search.

My bookshelf is riddled with self-help books.  If you saw it, you’d think that by know, I must be a goddamn guru of self-betterment.  But alas, my struggle continues.  Maybe if I’d actually finish some of the books I’d be a little better off.  But as per some goddamn self-help guru, I’m perfect just the way I am.  I’m perfect just the way I am.  I’m perfect, oh..sorry.  Got lost in my affirmations.

One topic in self help-ville I really connected to is diet.   Diet plays a major role, for everyone obviously, but of a more vital status for those of us searching for sanity.  When I look around at the other crazies in the psychiatrist’s waiting room, all too often I see a sea of soda cans and hear the crinkle and crunch of junk food all around me.  Living off Mountain Dew and Cheetos will make anyone off kilter.  It will make a crazy like me go wild almost upon impact.

I read about some common vitamin deficiencies of bipolars, such as the B’s, and so I stocked up on all these vitamins.  But honestly, they often upset my stomach, probably because no one really needs 3000% of the daily-recommended dosage of Vitamin B6.  So the vitamins sit in a drawer holding nutrients and good intentions all bottled up.

I also read that gluten should be avoided and so that’s what I’ve been doing; avoiding it.  It took me quite some time to wean myself of it and I still may or may not eat some, despite how I feel later.  My poor future self is always so beat up by past and present self.  We always ignore future self’s pleas, “don’t eat that!”  Bahh, it tastes good!  Leave us alone!  Until I’m on the shitter cursing my past self for her selfishness.

I discovered Chakras and I was convinced that this was my golden ticket to normalcy.  If I could just get all my Chakras cleaned off and opened up, I’d be fine.  And for a while there, I was all about it.  I’d try and spend a few minutes throughout the day focusing on those energy points.  Seeing the light emanate out to the world.  But then life happens, a Chakra gets dusty and that stability I searched for slips away, yet again.

Then I learned I needed some rocks to help with the Chakras.  Healing crystals.  And so I searched them out and stashed them in my pocket.  But still…crazy remains.

And then I found it.  Aromatherapy.  Now this would be the end all for me.  Just a few sniffs of some calming concoction and all my troubles would drift away.  But who can sit and sniff scents all day long?

Then I really found it.  I really found the golden ticket.  Biorhythms.  You enter your birthdate and based on factors that elude me a chart is generated to show when you have super days and when you have stay under the covers day.  I mapped out my life a few years down the road and was so excited to have found a road map to live by.  But, it’s not exactly that accurate.

And then I dove into exercise.  Who could go on a quest for self-betterment without exercise?  It really is natures high.  I love taking long walks with the dog, watching the birds zip around, watching the clouds drift by.  It’s my insta-zen.

One of these modalities alone can’t and won’t do the trick.  It’s a fine art of blending a little of this with a dash of that and just a tiny zest of this which works for me.  And that’s not to say I always remember the recipe.  Ok, let’s be honest.  I usually don’t.  But you know the best part?  Finding all these ways to make life a little easier to deal with.  Like the old tools in the toolbox analogy.  What’s your screwdriver?



27 thoughts on “A Myriad of Means to an Ever Elusive End

  1. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written article. I will make sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information. Thanks for the post. I will certainly comeback.

  2. You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be actually something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

  3. Pingback: Dealing With Bipolar | Is Bipolar Hereditary

  4. Oh my…I love it….This will be it! Wait no, this is even better! No hunny, I have to do this and buy this and then Ill be awesome! But wait, I forgot about that other stuff, It is NOT the same as last time, I NEED these!
    That’s almost how the dialog went.
    I for sure can Identify with future self telling me not to do something, past-present self was kinda an asshole. Didn’t really think about future self as much as she should have. But she sure thought “She told me so” when time caught up.

  5. Have you ever tried past life regression session before? I have been through many weird situations in my life that never made any sense and the healing methods I tried would solve the problem for only some time. Later on, through meditation and regressing past lives made me realize on how in this lifetime we repeat the past, patterns our soul already knows and remembers. I wish you all the best, merry Christmas!

    • Thank you so much for sharing. You know, I sort of did look into past life regression. I was getting some bodywork done and the healer pointed out I was carrying a lot of grief around. So I began working with a hypnotherapist for a few sessions and she suggested doing a past life session. I saw some interesting things, including an event which made me cry during the session. I took some steps to accept and let go of this grief and sincerely felt a weight lift off of me, probably the depression I was in. I saw some more resent pasts and they all looked like basically I was doing in this life. It was very eye awakening, thank you so much for sharing. Happy New Year!

      • You are mostly welcome! Personally I’m not a fan of hypnotherapy since you don’t consciously do the energy work and consciously break the emotional blockages so as to heal them. It needs a lot of courage to dive into that but definitely you come out as a better person, especially giving you the right tools to work after realizing what exactly causes your grief, addictions and all kinds of disorders. Happy new year to you too, I hope we stay connected!

  6. I stick with God and exercise, then I sprinkle on a dash of coffee and cookies. Some of those probably cancel out the others, but oh well. I’m a believer that the journey is all about learning, that once we’ve learned all of our lessons, we are done on this planet. Screwing up or having lots to learn just means I have lots of time left! Great Blog! Kerry

    • That’s awesome stuff! Reading your view on the learning piece of life made my heart beat a little faster. I thrive on learning and I believe if others would be more engaged in life they too would see how powerful knowledge can be when used wisely. Thanks for reading!

  7. Ahhh, the everpopular solution to mental anguish: self medicating 🙂 All I can say is that the only reason I am not experiencing more addictions than I already am is because of the spiritual journey I am on. But it is frustrating when you constantly feel like your body is a chemistry experiment: a little bit of this medication, a little less of that gluten, a lot more of that B6/ Magnesium/etc., more exercise, less strenuous exercise…mental illness complicates a woman’s journey to wellness, but we just keep trudging. Thanks for visiting my blog 🙂

    • Self medication has been around sometime for me. I’m a goddamn pharmacist. Not really. Got to admit, after 11 days I bought some pot today. I’ve just been going too fast and I hate taking the pills. I’m always afraid if I up my dose, which obviously needs to be done, then I’ll fall back into Zombie Me. So now, smoke this bag, enjoy feeling good, then I’ll up my dose.

      I switched docs recently, which happens when you relocate a lot, a.k.a. run away from the mess you made in somewhereville to live in newville for such grass so damn green you need shades to look at it.

      The new docs never think I’m bipolar till I take the coaster to the top and then I get some new meds. Well, coaster topped, racked up debt, sped like a maniac in Rosie, my baby, my ride. Sad to say she’s my baby, but seriously, every time I wash her up good, shine ‘er up, she gives me goosebumps I love her so much. But I think we just got to focus our eyes where we want to be. In regards to Rosie, I’m so proud of myself for having her title in hand.

      A few years ago? I impulsively bought a ridiculously expensive MILF mobile because my current car that I owned out right needed to be registered. It was expiring and I needed to register it with the new state I was now living in. I justified it by saying I needed 4WD in Jackson Hole and my paid for VR6 Jetta that was also a blast to drive, would not suffice for my new life in Wyoming. Ridiculous payments. Ridiculous insurance. I lived in a hotel for 6 months because I insist on living alone and I couldn’t swing it in Jackson. Only 3% of Teton County can be built on. The rest is parks. That 3% is ridunculously eeeexpensive. Anyways, see, too fast, said way too much, blathering on here, got to go spin around in circles a few times. Thanks for your sharing and I can’t believe how great this is to find people who truly understand what a gift and curse we carry! I try and always see it as a gift. Cause we’re some creative mother fuckers, right?

  8. Hi, for what its worth, (commenting from my othe blog, you know me from Naturebum) I find – like you indicate – that a holistic approach works best. Singling out individual aspects of mind/body/spirit can be of benefit, but it is the overall ‘health’ of the organism that is the major aspect.
    Incidently, one area that I have found does contribute markedly to a number of health situations, including brain neurology, is gut health and in particular the bacterial populations.
    With more bacteria in the gut than cells in the body, it is quite incredible the influence they have on organism wellbeing and changing this inner environment can be a very long and difficult endeavour, but one definitely worth pursuing.
    Kind wishes, J

    • Hola J!
      The whole organism concept blows me away. When people work together as one, they’re like an organism. I remember watching a family walk together and could see they were this little bubble…this organism. And then all the way deep inside us there’s sooooo much that depends on us to make the smart choices. Drink water. Rest. Give thanks. I don’t always make the smart choice, for example, eating bread at lunch today. I usually do so well but sometimes I slip and man does my gut hate me for quite a longer duration than I’d like. But it’s a path, not a destination. Great to hear from you!

  9. I can totally relate to your ongoing search for that very elusive answer to all your problems ~ the one thing that may bring you some peace and relieve some of the endless struggling :/ I have tried quite a few things myself over the years ~ not drugs (mostly out of fear), but any other vitamins or ‘new-age’ style therapies…Exercise does seem to help, but once again, it comes down to motivation ~ which depends alot on how well I am feeling that day…It is an ongoing battle, one that I am slowly starting to accept I will always be dealing with :/ Thankyou for sharing ~ I am looking forward to reading more of your blog 🙂

    • Thanks Chantell! It’s good to know I’m not the only one searching for something that may not exist. You’re so right on the exercise/motivation thing. Sure, when you’re done, you’re stoked and feeling great. But…to…get…up…and…do…it…a whole ‘nother story!

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