reflection | My Experiments with Sanity

It’s 2013. We’re here. And we’re stronger than ever. This is gonna be the Best Year Ever; B.Y.E.! Happy BYE! I just want to send a big loud shout out to the entire blog community for being exactly who you are. I feel like I found a crew, a sailing crew, to sail the seas of what we call normal. Not normal for most people, but normal for us. Choppy fucking water and hungry sharks lurking around kind of set up. But you know what? I realized it’s all in how you see it.

The number one hands down thing I have worked on, and will continue to work on, is my mindset. What are the Gerbils doing? Are they calm, chilaxin, and coming up with genius? Good, let ‘em be. Are they all in a tizzy, yanking on their hair and running into each other? Let’s reevaluate what I’m thinking and learn how to reframe it. That’s the ticket. Observe and reframe if necessary. Change the show the Gerbils are putting on to one of joy, bliss and abundance. Peace within to spread peace infinitely.

Back in 2009, I was at an all time low. Homeless, flat broke, my sternum severely bruised, (I heard a pop and then couldn’t breathe. Worst part? It hurt to laugh.). Here I am, 29 years old, living in my mother’s basement. I felt awful and got into a real dark place. But out of that dark shit I was able to make the Dapper Program.

At the time, I wanted to go be a peace soldier. A real one. Not what people call Peace Soldiers today. Peace and fighting don’t go together. Peace Soldiers walk around with certain kinds of people who are being harassed or terrorized by other kinds of people. The effect of having an outsider watching makes the harassers refrain. I loved it and I so wanted to do it.

But then I started looking at the requirements, reading the literature. My heart sank. You had to be at peace within to be able to serve. At peace with myself? After the volcano I let erupt all over my life in Jackson Hole and send me crawling home to Mommy? No debate here; I was far from at peace with myself.

So I set about finding peace within. And now after 4 years, I am so stoked at how far I’ve come. Not to say that I’m finished. Dapperdom is a state one lives in practicing until the last dying breath. Always walking the path to being the best you ever. Always knowing that change and growth go hand in hand.

My struggles began long before 2009 and I have been searching for the middle way for a long time. It has been an amazing ride and I am so grateful for the shit I got drug through. Yeah, I stunk, but once I washed it off, it’s got some magic exfoliator in it or something, cause damn if I didn’t glow brighter.

So mindset. It’s all about your mindset. Pay attention to your Gerbils, or whatever the hell you call those guys doing their thing up there. Make them put on the show you want to see. Peace. Bliss. Joy. Abundance.

Something else I learned is that you have to have something greater than yourself. I learned that when quitting cocaine. White guy with a beard just feels so limiting to me. I see it as a big giant energy force, vibrating around and pulsing with life. I like to think about that giant web, blowing ever so slightly back and forth in a dark, dark, night. Stretching out infinitely into that dark space. Connected ever so delicately yet so fundamentally the same already. The same like how at the end of the day every single thing we see, real or not, is part of us. And we are part of…it all!

A study was done on cells and the people they came from. When the people were shown good things, the cells reacted in a positive way…even outside of the body over 300 miles away. The same if they saw something negative, the cells reacted into a negative state. Take charge of all those cells running around in you and make the show positive. Love. Happiness.

Lean back into life knowing that there is a force out there greater than us alone. It’s us together. And the power of us together is infinitely magical. If you struggle, let’s walk together. Over the years I’ve become so much stronger. I’m freaking diesel now so lean on me and the rest of those who have walked the path you’ve found yourself upon. We’ve seen the thorns and thickets. And now we can only see the roses. Join us, because it’s going to be BYE!!

Happy BYE!

Eternally Yours,

B. Wright

I got to thinking about how far I’ve come over the years. I decided to share a glimpse ‘o me, what I was like, etc. and who I have grown into today with much difficult work. Although you know, of course, everything awful that has happened to you is a blessing in disguise.

When I discovered that, man did life become instantly better. A flat tire? Great, I need practice. Broke the screen on my iPhone and feel ghetto? I need some work on humility and don’t forget being grateful for the bounty I have available. We all have available. This abundant world. All this abundance shit? Law of Attraction? New to me in the past few years. But I’m running with it.

It totally makes sense to me and I’ve seen it work more times than I could ever remember. Not as much as I would like it to occur but I’m a believer. Rambling. Again. For some, the rambling is normal. How else does the mind work? To those dear readers that aren’t blessed with bipolar, I apologize for the digression and lets get on with this reflection.

1995: 15, sophomore in high school, smoking pot numerous times a day, dressing ridiculously scandalous at 90lbs and 34C, skipping class most of the time, “dated” guys who either dealt drugs or came from money so they could buy drugs. I put quotations around dated because getting smashed and fucking isn’t dating per se but I know there’s some fain of heart out there. Don’t read my shit then if you’re one, or at least at your own risk. There. Warning issued. Now I can finally sleep. Kidding.

1995: big into acid, big into getting fucked up as much as possible. I bussed tables at a once shwanky restaurant in my neighborhood. A night’s tip out was perfect for a pack of Reds, a little to pitch in on a bag with friends, get a 40oz. of some malt liquor and tip the bum for getting the smokes and booze. Ahhh, the good old days.

I guess I started to work for my meds pretty early on. I also babysat a couple times a week as well. I also got lunch money and sometimes when my dad would have a big wad of cash all rolled up hidden somewhere for some reason beyond me, I’d slide some bills out. It’s all about revenue streams flowing.

I also had a big klepto problem at this age. Shame to admit, but I even stool from people I liked who hosted soirees, aka keggers, while their parents were out of town. But only if it was a house where there was plenty. Fish tanks for walls and such. I’d like to send out an apology to all those out there, including the big corporations. Stealing is wrong. I would never do it again and stopped when I turned 18. Not worth it to get busted for another pair of expensive risqué panties.

My older brother ratted me out once when he got caught for stealing hood ornaments. He went thru a brief rebellion period, skateboarding and such. He got jumped by his rebellious friends and then that was the end of that phase. He said how do you think she can afford all those things she has? She steals them. Thrown under the bus for sure.

My parents are perfect and exactly who I was meant to be born into. In fact, I believe I chose them, as we all choose our parents for they have a problem that we as the next generation must solve. Or shit, at least try to solve. Then if you breed, you shit your problem/burden onto your child and so on down the line until we’ve solved all issues. We will evolve to such a high frequency of love and deep understanding of our connection with ALL that is, we just become some ginormous (wow, no spell check? That’s a real word now? I thought it was slang.) some ginormous symbiotic energy wave spreading love deep into the cosmos every which way. Wow. Won’t that be fun?